I started all of this because I knew I could be more. I started rebuilding myself because I knew that although I hadn’t gone where I wanted to in life, I wasn’t necessarily lost. Looking at others and remembering that despite some genetic factors we have similar capabilities, I knew that if I cleared enough rubble out of my mind, enough dust off of my gears for change, that in due time I would be on the right path.

It was May of 2020. The restaurants I was working at had been closed for almost two months. Between unemployment benefits, covid stimulus and savings I was doing more than fine. In fact I was content to drink all day, smoke weed and play video games to my heart’s desire. Despite having money for beer and food, and all the time in the world, a feeling of existential dread was setting in.

Now, all those familiar with that period of time, or familiar with weed induced anxiety— or both—will currently be rolling their eyes and wondering aloud “so what?”.To that I say, all the free time really got me away from the reality of my salary job in a kitchen and instead got me thinking about how long life is and what kind of path I was on. It was because of this distance that I was finally able to think about what I was doing, where I was going and more importantly how, at twenty eight years old, whatever I did over the next seven to ten years would have a grand effect on my life’s overarching design.

The exact moment this all came together was toward the end of may on a humid and gross mid afternoon where I had just the right amount of beer and weed to be functionally comatose. I was struggling through a boss fight in a video game where I was repeatedly on the brink of death and, in order to evade an attack and survive, I needed to press a single button. The game would only give me a moment’s notice, however, due to my level of intoxication this became increasingly impossible to perform in time.  It was virtual dismemberment after gruesome virtual dismemberment. My destruction was inevitable.

After some thirty instances of death and rebirth, I became more and more conscious of the lag between the visual cue to press a button and save my life, my brain’s processing of the visual cue to press a button and save my life, and my hand’s ability to actually press the button and save my life. It was me becoming aware of this—and then subsequently annoyed by it —that really had me stop and think…I’m in my own fucking way. I was choosing to abuse weed and alcohol. I was choosing to perform well below my full capabilities. And, in a sense, I was choosing to die over and over in that video game. All I had to do to get out of this route I found myself in, was simply choose to be better. All I had to do was get out of my own fucking way.

So I started to really implement that idea across whatever wasn’t going correctly in my life. I became aware of how every choice I face affects me ten, twenty, a hundred steps down the road. I began to apply this idea across the board, in every area of my life, across the entirety of my existence. And by doing so, I really came to grips with how much agency I could have over my life if the substances or other bad habits limiting said agency were removed.

Out of my experience with perpetual death in a video game and the recognition that I was too slow to stop it because of my own affinity for numbness arose the current path I’m choosing to live. A path of self awareness. A path of self discipline/self control. A path that leads to a larger mission in life—if nothing else, to simply be better than I was the day before. However making a change this big is never easy. And with it came a lot of introspection and self doubt. What do I really want to do with my life? How do I want to reflect on my life’s decisions and actions when I’m old and gray? Most importantly, how does one live a life which minimizes regret and maximizes happiness and satisfaction in the long-term?

It’s been almost three years since that day, and I will say the easiest part of it all was giving up alcohol. Sobriety was such a big part of what was to come that it made going sober an obvious necessity. It’s so simple and so powerful; the best version of myself is a sober version of myself. Besides, I already had years of data to back up what the drinking lifestyle and its accompanying mentality had brought—nothing but negativity/angst/self destruction. The real challenge was when self destructive behavior persisted and I no longer could blame it on intoxication. . 

Being self aware is a key step to growth and development. To learn about oneself is necessary for change. However, when you’re aware of yourself and what needs to change, and then it doesn’t change, it’s a willful ignorance. Agony and frustration can only grow if you don’t actively change your behavior in time to coincide with the newfound information. I liken it to a girl I once dated who found out she had a mild aversion to gluten, but persisted to eat bread anyways, and then complained about aches, pains, gas, hives, weight gain, fill in the blank, which were all obvious reactions to gluten.

I’m certainly not a “fixed” person, whatever that may mean. I’m just trying to continuously learn and grow in my own knowledge of myself, and the world around me. I’ve rediscovered my passion and interest in the pursuit of truth, knowledge and the underlying mechanisms that orchestrate the world around us, which is one of many reasons why I’ve decided to start writing. It would be a pleasure to have you come along, ask me questions, critique and respond to my thoughts, and hopefully grow a little too.